Quitting singledom for love and companionship is great and all, but sometimes I want to quit being single just so I don't have to be single and deal with dating. It is a lot of work. A lot of awkward, awkward work.
I know that holds true for most single people.
Think first dates are awkward? Try being a cat lady on a first date.
Things always start off so well....and then....
Man: So, tell me a little more about yourself. Hobbies? Interests?
Me: Well, I love to read. Mostly mysteries. And Jane Austen. And Harry Potter.
Man: My dear lady, I ardently admire and love Harry Potter books.
Me: You are freakin awesome.
Man: Thank you.
Me: I also love animals. I have a giant Golden Retriever.
Man: Dogs are cool. Especially big dogs. Any dog less than 50 pounds isn't even a real dog.
Me: Oh, my gosh! I always tell people the same thing! Let's see....what else? Oh, I have cats.
Man: You have a cat?
Me: No, I have cats. Catssssssss.
Man: How many? Two?
Me: Uh, more.
Me: *cough* More.
Man: What? Like, ten?
Me: No, no, I'm not a crazy cat lady. Four. Just four cats. Only four.
This is the critical juncture of this cat lady's first date. Man's response to my response to The Question: How many cats do you have?
This will determine if there is any future for Man and me.
Examples of "No Future" responses:
"Uh, um, wow, uh. Sooooooo....look at the time."
"I'm allergic to cats."
"Cats are evil."
Examples of "There will probably be a 2nd date" responses:
"I'm cool with that. Four isn't even that many."
"Do you want to see some funny cat memes?"
"Hey, I've got four cats, too! We could totally Brady Bunch this thing."
"Cats are evil- we should go look at some kittens after dinner."
Now, should we continue courting, Man will need to understand a few more things.
-If I have fixed him a delicious meal and he happens upon a random cat hair, he should calmly remove it and keep eating. Or eat it and experience cat-like stealth and an enormous sense of superiority for the next 24-hours. You are what you eat.
-Should we be cuddled on the couch watching Harry Potter movies and the phone rings or the pan of brownies in the oven finishes baking, the person with the least amount of cats in his or her lap is responsible for getting up.
-Should Man find that a cat has puked on his shoe, the only acceptable response is to mutter, "Jerk cat," and ask for a paper towel. Cat puke happens.
-Man must learn that there is NO substituting of the established brands of kibble and litter. NONE. Any deviation will result in excessive complaining and severe punishment. From the cats. Not me.
-Man must master the delicate- and somewhat dangerous- art of cat petting.
-In direct relation to the aforementioned, Man must have a high threshold of pain.
-Man must lovingly temper my crazy cat lady tendencies OR lovingly go all out and join me. We could be one of those Hollywood-type power couples, like Brangelina- adopting cats from all over the world. We would be amazing. Or crazy.
We would be cramazing.
But, before all this cramazingness can happen, I guess I just need to keep slogging through the awkwardness of dating to find Man. Not that I'm in a huge rush to run out and get married or anything. In spite of the awkward dating parts, being single is fun, too.
On the other hand, my next birthday officially puts me closer to 40 than 30. I don't know if I can handle that many cats on my own....